


5 STAGES

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Episode Related
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-28
Updated: 2006-02-28
Packaged: 2018-12-29 02:48:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12073020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin's thoughts as he walks home after his confrontation with Chris Hobbs.  Season 4 episode 5





	5 STAGES

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Justin's POV 

 

So I remember reading in one of those damn cheesy self help books that there are 5 stages of grief. Let me see if I can remember them. Number 1 denial I'm not sure i spent too long on that one. I mean sure when I told Brian it was like "A story that happened to someone else" it didn't take him long to rip me out of that fog by telling me in agonizing detail everything that happened that night. Oh and how can I forget the physical reminders that like to sneak up on me when I least expect. Migraines. panic attacks and a hand that shakes and curls in on itself so I feel like I'm a hundred years old. But on to number 2 bargaining. This is when I tend to run all of the what if's through my head. You know what if I had never taunted Chris in front of Woody's that night. Or what if I had never even bothered asking Brian to prom. I mean what the hell was I trying to prove that night anyway? Oh I know what I was trying to prove but was it really worth it in the end? God!! I want to believe that it was!! 

I'm moving a little faster now and not really sure where my steps will take me tonight. I should go to the loft and let Brian know that I am okay but my head is still spinning from what just happened only minutes ago. I never thought that I would go there and face him and face the one thing I've never realized. Which brings me to number 3 ANGER. This stage is a tricky one because it likes to pop right back up just when you think you have it all in hand. I mean sure I was angry when I thought I would never draw again, walk down the street again or let anyone touch me again. But hey I worked through all of that. Didn't I? I mean I'm alive and I should be happy with that right? Some people aren't as lucky as I was and I shouldn't complain about it I should get the fuck over it!!! 

I have started to run now and my lungs hurt from the effort and my legs are screaming for me to stop. Eventually, I slow myself down to a walk and find a bench at the bus stop. At this point I'm not even sure what part of town I'm in and I don't care I just need to sit. Oh I almost lost my train of thought I believe I'm at number 4 grief. I spent too much time with this ol gal. I wanted to just lock myself away and cry for all that I thought was lost to me when Chris decided to use my head for batting practice. I lost too much time grieving over all of it and of course that just makes me angry which brings back good old number 3. See you can't get away from that one it's a bitch!!! But as I sit on this bench and the events of this evening begin to sink in I feel both of my hands start to shake and I try to pull the cigarette out and light it with fumbling hands. The futile attempts I'm making at something that should be so simple begin to make me laugh and then it turns to sobs and the lighter and cigarette fall to the ground forgotten. My head is in my hands and I have welcomed back my old friend grief. I want to not even be here on this bench to have not even had to face what I had to face tonight. I want to be that seventeen year old who was afraid of nothing and who just went after what he wanted without a thought to the consequences. But that's not me anymore. 

FUCK!!!! I want that night back!!! But, I can't ever get it back and no amount of wishing, hoping, dreaming or even anger will make it so. My tears are falling onto the concrete and even though the sobs seem to be wracking my body I don't feel drained I feel this sense of relief. This sense that I'm done with it, done with it all. I wipe my face dry and stand up with my feet firmly underneath me. When this night started I was filled with so much anger hell rage even over what had happened to me. But now as I flip open my cell to dial a number that will lead me home I know that I have gotten to a place that I thought for certain would always allude me. Number 5 acceptance.


End file.
